Third Cut is the Deepest

I have had three serious relationships in my adult life.

The first shouldn’t have been a relationship at all but I was young and lacked perspective and was addicted to the thrill. The second one, I married and then divorced. And the third ended almost two months ago.

& now I know that all relationships are different and all heartbreaks are a beast of their own.

My first heartbreak felt like death. I was 24, still in college, and I didn’t think I would ever make it through. It was toxic and should have ended a long time before (or really never happened at all to be frank) and it left me feeling weak and more unworthy than I had ever felt. However, since then, I have learned to never ever ever beg anyone for love, I’ve learned how to forgive and that everyone has a certain type of monster in them with their own battles and you can’t love that darkness out of a person. I learned that people can change and that heartbreak can turn into friendship and that I’ll never allow myself to fall into that trap again.

The second relationship began at an extremely vulnerable part of my life, merely days after I had officially just let go of the first. It picked me up off the ground and gave me the ego boost that I so dearly needed at the time. Over the years though, I allowed myself to become isolated and other than a few friends and my work life, him and his family became the main part of my life. Thus, I married him because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I think that since I didn’t have time to mourn or process the first relationship, I allowed my insecurities to creep into this second relationship. Both of us had a lot of our own healing to do and we just didn’t work together. We constantly tested each other and there was a lot unintentional manipulation and withdrawal happening and I had lost myself in it. And then I ripped the bandaid off by leaving while he was out of town. Hindsight: a phone call and an empty apartment was probably not the best way to go, but at the time I thought that was the safest way to leave. That relationship taught me that therapy is vital and that I needed to be the one to pick myself up off the ground instead of allowing another guy to do so. I needed to protect my peace and have my own journey and stay true to what/who I wanted and needed in my life.

I’ll preface this next part to say that I’m not here to speak on anyone else’s wrongdoings or faults because that’s their privacy and I do still have respect. I’m here to speak for myself and take responsibility for my part.

This last relationship came out of nowhere. I had been alone and building my life up in a new house (my first very own house that I rented). Money was really tight but I had a job I loved and bonus family and I was able to lean on my own family and friends and everything was going well. I dated a little bit but this relationship had a very organic and surprising start. I thought it was God saying “here you go, Britni. This is it.” For the first time in my life, love was so easy. I fell quick and hard and I had no doubt on earth and all I wanted was the rest of our lives together. I think I was blinded by that feeling. I don’t know how to take things slow or have patience when I really really want something. I will always find a way to make it happen — but I need to learn that certain things I have no control over.

I lost my semi-corporate job at the beginning of the year which was a little sad but at first, I was excited. I could make art full time in the midst of finding another job and I felt the thrill of being able to grow in my career as I was applying for a promotional role. But, your girl needs a routine and your girl had a really difficult time making that for herself, especially when sharing life with a calm and easy-going soul. I didn’t know how to be that, says the one who is always wanting to optimize and grow and improve and I can do this and I can do that and if we wake up at 6am imagine all the cool things we could accomplish and here’s a list of all things I want to get done in the next 8 hours who needs food or sleep!? And then a dark cloud came over me because I was struggling and I didn’t want to make art and I didn’t want to get out of bed before 9am and the pressure I put on myself was overwhelming. Most of all, I didn’t want that dark aura to affect anyone else in my life. I had to be careful how I grieved around my partner because I didn’t want to show that weakness or that sadness or that feeling like this was it and it would never get better. I didn’t want to add any stress to anyone else. And I also didn’t have the confidence or the desire to take my art full time. Little house projects helped but they didn’t cure like I thought they would.

And then that darkness seeped into everything else and I was bored and not as busy and I felt disconnected. I felt insecure and shaky and there wasn’t a single part of my life that was stable. I needed to feel in control, so when it came to my relationship, I was “holding onto the soap too tightly” (apologies to my friends who have heard me use that phrase multiple times over the last few months). And when you hold onto the soap too tightly, it’s bound to slip out of your hands and crash to the ground. When I didn’t have a full time job to occupy me or any kind of desire to create, all I could focus on was my relationship. I feel big feelings, I always have and I’m not sure if it’s the artist in me or just who I am, but those feelings can be too much for some people. I was thirsty for consistency. I was lacking emotional safety and I let those thoughts get the best of me and I asked too many questions. I didn’t realize the harm it was doing and I didn’t see that misfit in my life. I wasn’t certain about anything in my life, but I was certain about that part and I thought that the certainty was reciprocated. I didn’t want to accept the fact that something felt “off” and had felt that way for a minute.

There is nothing worse than an earth shattering break-up.

Having all of your flaws pointed out to you and your character being knocked down is a difficult battle to stand up from, especially when you couldn’t understand what was happening. No relationship is perfect, and that’s what I chalked it up to. All I could think is that I would never do this so how can this be happening to me? What it came down to was me thinking “am I really that terrible of a person?”. I had felt unworthy before, but I felt unworthy because of my actions, not because of who I am fundamentally. It was a dagger to the heart over and over again.

I don’t remember much of the first two weeks after. I journaled about it but I don’t have the guts to read back on it yet. I know I was numb, I couldn’t even force myself to eat. Coffee dates and lunch dates and phone calls with friends and family got me through. Having to be at a festival that weekend and plaster on a smile with my puffy eyes was not fun, I can tell you that. Coming home to a just Britni and Pup house was jolting. Living in a house full of our memories was inescapable. Having friends all over the state and not just down the street was difficult. Not having a job to leave the house for was the biggest shock - and thankfully I wasn’t dead broke during this because that stress would have doubled me over. I couldn’t watch tv because we watched tv together, stupid little things like that bothered me. I didn’t want to go to the gym because that was our gym, not that I had the energy to go to the gym because I wasn’t eating. Reading was the only activity that turned my brain off, but reading books about love still hurt a little bit.

In the first couple of weeks, I called a few times just to get clarity and it ended up turning into defensiveness. I just wanted to be understood, even though that’s never going to happen. I didn’t want to take all of the blame for this. Because in most cases, it’s never just one person. And I didn’t want in this case for it to just be me as the problem because that’s how I felt and all I wanted was to stop feeling like that. I attacked myself with “maybe if I had done this differently” or “I should have said this instead of that and then everything would have been okay.” I even thought that if I had moved back to the hometown instead of our lives being in a new town, it would have been more comfortable for him. What?! Let me tell you, Britni has *never* wanted to move back to that small hometown and the fact that I had even entertained that thought? For a boy?! Thinking it would have made things different? No. Stop it, Britni. (And no, there is nothing wrong with moving back to or staying in your hometown, it just wasn’t something I ever wanted for myself.)

But that’s just part of a breakup, questioning every misstep or every little conflict and thinking that I should have just kept my mouth shut. You’ll always think about different scenarios trying to pinpoint exactly where it all went wrong. Don’t do that. Because that doesn’t matter. If it isn’t meant to happen, then it just wont happen because you cannot force love. You cannot force two puzzle pieces to fit, especially when they’re from two completely different puzzles. Even if six months in you swore that he was the piece of the puzzle you had been wishing for your whole life.

I do remember my therapist asking me what was different about this guy compared to my last one and all I could do was choke out the words “he was just so calm” because I had never really experienced a calm and non-aggressive boyfriend before. And her words? “Well now you know that a calm person is who you need and that they do exist. You gave it your all and you did the best you could. Take your sadness, accept it and honor it and then tell your soul to let it go and set your sadness free. There is someone more aligned for the both of you out there and you’ll see that one day.” Is that what I wanted to hear? No, not at all. But I needed to hear it.

Two weeks after the breakup, I could eat one full meal a day again. I walked into the gym again and was pleasantly surprised that I didn’t feel sick about it being our gym. It was now my gym.

Slowly but surely, I made it through a yoga session without crying in the middle of it. My favorite songs were playing on my phone again, ones that I couldn’t listen to because it made me feel worse. I repainted the walls and am reclaiming my space. I moved my clothes over in the closet and am taking up the entire shelf again. I still have empty frames sitting around the house but they aren’t face down anymore. I’m dancing around the house with Puppi again and adding new routines into my daily life. I finally started making myself coffee again with the espresso machine he got for me on our first Christmas together. I started a new job that I’m loving and I think I’ll grow really well into.

I took off the rose-colored glasses and could see the little things that I let slide that normal Britni wouldn’t along with the parts of us that didn’t compliment the other. There were issues that I couldn’t see in the midst of the love I was feeling, but it took perspective and healing to get there.

Sometimes I still have that thought of “this house is just so quiet now” but its not nearly as often as I did the first couple weeks. I had thought that I would never stop feeling my heart writhe in pain, yet here I am with a heart slowly mending day by day. One of my best friends told me that grief comes in waves and she’s right. Another said that I’m going to question things and that’s normal, so confirmation that I wasn’t going crazy. I took myself to the beach and let the sand and the waves heal me and I vowed to myself that when I came back, I would have a new personal mantra to live by and look at everyday. I’ll share more on that soon.

Heartbreak is a part of everyone’s life. It’s like grieving a death but the person is still on the earth and there is no funeral or celebration of life. It’s answering his question of “I don’t know what’s next because I’ve never done this before” with “well, all that’s left is logistics. When are you moving out?”. It’s picking yourself up off the ground and waking up alone after having dreams that hurt too much to think about. It’s thinking about all of the future plans you had with this person and realizing that none of those will happen — you won’t go to that one restaurant you’ve been talking about and you won’t ever take that vacation together that you’ve been looking forward to for over a year now, and instead you’ll take a friend to the concert that you got tickets for to celebrate your first anniversary. Feeling that anger and wanting clarity and having to just accept that this is over and that part of your life will never *be* again and that it’s okay is necessary to get through. It’s realizing that this love was real, as angry or devastated as you are after the shock has set in and as shitty as it happened, you did love that person more than you had ever loved anyone else at one point and you cannot deny that. You have to remember that you once loved him so much that you thought you would be the most happy by spending your entire life with him and thinking “wow I cant wait to see him as a dad” when you had considered the kids thing. You loved him and you cannot erase that part of you from your life.

I didn’t see it until later, but I was trying so hard to love someone else the correct way and meet their needs that I was letting the love for myself sizzle out and not making sure I was meeting my own needs. That lacking translated into tension and anger and resentment that took over my day-to-day and made existing in a shared space more challenging than it should have been. The communication wasn’t there and grace was nowhere to be found.

I don’t want to ever regret any feelings I’ve had, for anyone. I don’t regret any of the relationships I’ve been in. Every part of life can be taken as a lesson. Ultimately, no — we weren’t a fit and now I know exactly what I want. I guess I can be grateful for that and believe that he did me/us a favor because I don’t think I would have ever chosen to leave. But now I see so many possibilities for myself that I couldn’t before and things that I want now that I didn’t even consider before.

I want more for myself than a simple life. I don’t want to be tied to a certain place on the map for anyone. I want to travel even when I still have some debt to pay off. I want to take a trip for one night spontaneously just to do it. I don’t want to hold myself back or sacrifice who I am and what I love just to accommodate someone else. I want certainty and consistency and to know that it doesn’t matter what life throws at us, we’ll be okay because we have each other and we can make our decisions together. I know I’m an intense person and I know I need someone who will take my intensity as a challenge rather than be scared of it. I need someone who can meet me on my level and then we can level up together. I need calm and understanding and emotional safety with a partner and maybe collaborate or work together on some projects and I want to feel included in his life all the time.

Those three relationships in the past ten years have shaped me into the person that my thirties are waiting for.

I once said “26 was the year of transformation, 27 was the year of healing, 28 was the year of pure joy” and now that I’m halfway through 29, I’m not sure yet what to call this one. I had thought it would be less stress and less survival mode, but I’ve been tested more than anything since September. What I do know is that I can say that I’ve tried the best I could and I’m still working to keep my head high. Life is only going to get better from here, and there will always be some kind of ending to work through. I’ve done it before and I can do it again. That third cut may have been the deepest but it doesn’t change my worth and that hurt doesn’t last forever. You just have to trust yourself on that one.