It’s time to get personal.

My way of accepting some flaws and going with the flow- written on Nov 23, 2019

God’s plan, or the universe’s plan, or whoever/whatever you believe in will always overpower your plan and you’ll come out on top. The middle process is difficult and dealing with the setbacks and change of plans are difficult and yes, you are in control of your own life, but someone or something out there is always with you and on your side. Your job is to accept this because whether you’re an artist, a marketer, a business owner, the CEO of a family- whatever it is and whoever you are, you have goals and dreams and setbacks will happen and you cannot lose yourself in that uphill battle.

It’s been a whirlwind of a day. Last week, I rushed the process of my clay pots drying, and guess what? Today, 10 of them came out broken. Okay, I can deal with that. I rushed it though because the drying time took longer than normal and I had my goal dates set and they couldn’t be pushed back anymore. And I had a feeling about it but ignored said feeling and put the fan on the pots at high speed- now I was 2 days behind.

And then I found out today that my usual place to fire was postponing glaze firings until after Thanksgiving (each pot is fired twice), which sucks, but it’s understandable. At this point my deadline may not be reached and it left me discouraged. I stopped to get a coffee and gather my thoughts, talked to a few friends on it, tried to figure out my next step - because I had that deadline that I set and absolutely did not want to miss it.

And then all I could think was that it was God telling me to slow down and not to harbor these negative feelings when it involves my art. Just stop it, because not enjoying it now will not make enjoying it in the end any easier or any more fun. He tried telling me that before I rushed the drying time, and look at me now with 10 less pots.

I chose Art because it is who I am and what I am. There were five official changes to my major before finally deciding on Art. And I cannot even express how many people told me I was crazy and it wasn’t realistic and I’ll never find success. I am not here to tell them that they’re right, at all.

But I do want to say, Art has always been there, whether to express or to escape. And if I’m being honest, the times that I was most productive were the times that I needed someone to ask me if I was okay. Motivation comes in all forms, but productivity during the storms have always been my “thing”. Art made the storms easier. God gave me Art for that reason, I believe.

Now, though, I am setting unrealistic deadlines for myself and just doing too much. I’m forcing it. I’m trying to be more than what I am, which yes, is great for growing. But I haven’t sat back and enjoyed where I’m at right now. Instead of relishing on the forms that I love, I’m putting in too much variety. I’m ‘doing’ it instead of ‘feeling’. And no, clay does not come as natural to me as other mediums do, but it is the most convenient way during this season of my life to be able to have my hands on something everyday- making something everyday. Clay does drive me to improve and it does meditate me and grow me.

Art should not give me negative feelings. And the thing is, I have grown so much emotionally and mentally and have so much more peace within myself, even in the past 6 months, that this is taking a step back! Art should not make me take a step back! And as much as I would love for selling my art to be my main source of income right now, it’s not, I have multiple sources of income otherwise, and now is not the time to put so much pressure on myself and my expression - but rather, just let it go and start feeling it again.

So I left the coffeeshop, went home and took a long hot shower, put the cold brew away and switched to hot tea. I sat down on the balcony with my planner to rearrange my timeline and allow myself to breathe again. And guess what now, an old studio I was once a member of has available space to glaze fire my pots with plenty of time left until my deadline.

Don’t be too quick to stress (I’m still learning that and probably will be until the end of my time) and don’t you dare lose yourself in the process of finding yourself.