twentytwenty

Lately I have been thinking about my future and my organizational habits more than I think about anything else, and can I just say that I have never felt more motivated? I am striving to plan (but not as much as I normally do because then I spend all of my time planning and not enough doing), create, dream, find my aesthetic for my art, read, soak in, and communicate so much more. Putting the phone down and turning off the tv are daily goals of mine. Learning how to feel more happiness, be in the moment, do more with my husband, adventure and explore without costing my arm and leg. I  l o v e  finding new coffeeshops, but I also love the comfort of my own- so finding that balance is important to me. Being more aware of my own decisions and taking responsibility for the consequences after said decisions has forced me to be more careful, more considerate, and more kind.

Financially, I have been working so hard to not spend aimlessly, no eating out, and no eating junk. I do not make any processed food purchases (event though my love for crunchy salty chips is real). I have been able to build up a savings. I have been able to accept that not everything has to be glorious. I have been able to improve my health by reducing the amount of garbage that enters my mind and my mouth. I have been able to add so much more positivity to my life that I feel as though I’ve already made it. I’m broke, but my savings doesn’t say so- and that is happiness.

I have a job that is fulfilling. Though it may never make me rich in money, it makes me rich in time and in art and in mind. It gives me time to focus on my art and it exposes me to learning and teaching and experiencing every day that I can bring that feeling home with me and use it on myself. It brings me a second family I never knew how much I wanted and needed. It brings me joy and love and I know one day I’ll have to part ways, but I pray that one day is nowhere near. This job does not harm my health in sleep or diet or stress. This job brings me joy and shows me what true happiness means.

Though my friend count isn’t as high as it was this time last year, I have found those who are worth the world to me. Katie has become a sister in the past 10 years of being by her side. She is the only person who has understood me to the fullest extent and there’s never any judgment in any of our decisions and life paths and honestly she knows what I’m thinking more than I know what I’m thinking. Its a sisterhood for the ages. My others have faded in the wind and resurfaced here and there. I know I can count on them if I was ever in need, but with the fading of friendship also comes the fading in comfort. I need to make it a priority to stay in touch and keep in touch more than I have been. Lifelong connections start now.

Alex, my almost husband, is allowing me to practice patience everyday as he learns to cope with adhd. My attitude has softened and I’ve become extremely understanding on subjects that we used to argue about. His love for me has opened my heart to a fullness I have never experienced before. When I am sick, he takes care of me almost as good as my mother (how is that possible?). He always takes care of me though, not because he thinks I’m not able to take care of myself, but because he knows what I deserve and he tries to exceed that each day from the moment he wakes up. I haven’t felt that before. I haven’t felt as supported and as hyped up as I do with him. I have never before felt the need to write it all down for him to someday read just so he knows. And now that I do feel this immense love, I cannot imagine ever living without it. I cannot imagine anyone else lifting me up, annoying me, and loving me even a small fraction as beautifully as Alex does. For once, and finally, I have found a home in someone and it doesn’t matter where we are and where we go, because he’ll be by my side with his hand in mine.

Puppi- he is my rock. He is my number one. Do you think I would ever consider some fluff ball to be the most important person in my life?! I surely didn’t, but here we are, almost 6 years later. He falls asleep with me every night and wakes up with me every morning. He still follows me room to room when I’m busy living my day. He snores in my lap while I read, work, and watch tv. Puppi seriously is my happiness. He is the one part of my life that I need, absolutely need, to get through it. Is this how it feels to have a child, or are those feelings so much stronger? I hope not because I think my heart would stop or combust with all of that feeling. They say orange tabbies live until they’re 12-18 years old maybe longer, but God, I cannot imagine that life with Puppi. I cannot imagine my grandchildren not knowing him. He is quite literally the most precious being of the earth.